Guinness

Last Call

With a screech I went out, then a murmur, and then nothing.

I had a good go, really. It's amazing I made it as long as I did. Thank you, Tom. Thank you, Tiffany. Thank you Lisa and Seth. Thank you everyone.

See you on the other side.

-- Guinness.

Wait, what?!

My humans came home yesterday, carrying a mewling, snivelling, scampering, arrogant little kitten. I have never been so betrayed in my whole life. Was I not sufficient for them? Am I not to be the overlord of the world?

Perhaps I shall make the new one serve me. For now, I shall just hiss.

HISSSSSSSSSS.

It Feels Funny

It feels Funny
Originally uploaded by tbridge.

Winter hath descended on my kingdom, and a substance the humans call "snow" has coated my world. This is abjectly unacceptable to me. I ordered the humans to clear it from my world and they complied by removing it from the cement spaces.

It makes my paws cold.

And the demon squirrels were chittering at me.

Come the Spring, they shall pay. With their lives.

I am amused by your threats, Extremist.

The Gleeful Extremist has threatened yours truly.

Silly Extremist, if my staff do not my protect me (and I expect they will be as incompetent in protecting me as they are at feeding me live prey), then I shall have to use my sharp pointy teeth and my scimitar-like claws to do the same.

Or, failing that, I can always use my powers of CUTE to destroy you.

I am Growing

I am growing.

Soon this world shall be mine.

As soon as I can figure out how to appropriately overthrow my humans, this world shall be mine for the taking. I shall own all of it and they shall worship me.

PetSmart: Tool of the Man

My staff just noticed that I was low on both food and litter, even though I'd been telling them for days that I wanted fresh litter and some food that made me hate them less. They made me wear the Leash of Shame and accompany them while they did my bidding. It is such a telling sign that our society has begun to force leashes up on the best of us, the cats. Dogs, I can understand. They are unruly, uncivilized and lackeys. But Cats? Pish. Tosh. Such things are beneath us. As we entered the store, I was overcome by the cacophany. Dogs, when they speak, speak poorly. Mark Twain they are not. But really, what got to me was the birds. Humans, think of Paris Hilton and her campy sidekick. Now clone them both 20 times. Now make them all talk at once. Please, change those shorts before I can smell them. That's what the birdcage is like. If my staff ever take me back there, they'd better let me eat at least one of the birds.

...And Kitten makes three.

I have been missing a member of my staff for 8 days now. Tom has taken off for Ft. Worth for his other job, even though our contract explicitly states that his position as Primary Kitten Staff is to be his first priority and that all other jobs are considered moonlighting.

But be that as it may, Tiffany has taken on a double share of staff duties in his absence. Although her performance at the feeding, litter-scooping, and cuddling duties is admirable, she does not seem to be as well-equipped as Tom is to participate in my calisthenic play. This is unfortunate, as she is smaller than Tom and it is much easier for me to exercise my jaw grip on her arms. Also, her size makes it easy for me to leap onto her shoulders unexpectedly or climb up her clothes .

It's fortunate that she is so susceptible to my cuteness- it doesn't take much effort at all for me to make her forget that she was angry with me by looking up at her with my wide-eyed kitten stare. Except for when I broke her necklace. She stayed mostly mad about that.

So I am currently feeling under-exercised and anxious for Tom to come home. Tiffany informs me that he will be home tonight. Excellent. I shall have to discipline him for deserting his duties, but not too harshly, as I will wish to chew on him later.

Attach of the Really Cute Clones

Genetic Savings & Clone, you shall have an honored place in the Guinness Empire!

To think, all the time I have spent wondering how to recruit an army with which to seize control of the world. Instead, I can just clone myself! An army of black and white kittens, all with identical powers of mind-control cuteness! I shall be unstoppable!

Staff! Get me my test tubes!

Drat!

Curses! Tom's sister has discovered the secret manual! She must be destroyed!

Do you think Tom would mind if I put out a contract on his sister?

And how many times have I told Sasha to lay off the sauce?

she gives me fever

Tiffany took me to the vet again yesterday. I am a perfectly healthy kitten- I see no need for me to keep getting these "booster shot" things. Apparently that's what it's called when they stick a big needle between my shoulder blades.

Being the stupendous badass that I am, I purred pleasantly throughout the entire harrowing procedure. The vaccination, however, left me feeling less-than-healthy and by the time we finally got home, I wanted nothing more than a warm lap to sleep in all evening.

Fortunately, since I am a kitten with not one but TWO staff, this was not difficult to arrange. I am particularly fond of manipulating Tiffany's natural maternal instincts with my cuteness. She let me sleep in her lap almost the whole evening, except for when I permitted her to run some errands and get dinner. Can't have a grumbling human tummy next to my sensitive ears while I am sleeping, after all.

This morning, you will be happy to know that I am feeling like myself again and diligently clawed Tom's feet to ribbons upon waking.