Guinness

...And Kitten makes three.

I have been missing a member of my staff for 8 days now. Tom has taken off for Ft. Worth for his other job, even though our contract explicitly states that his position as Primary Kitten Staff is to be his first priority and that all other jobs are considered moonlighting.

But be that as it may, Tiffany has taken on a double share of staff duties in his absence. Although her performance at the feeding, litter-scooping, and cuddling duties is admirable, she does not seem to be as well-equipped as Tom is to participate in my calisthenic play. This is unfortunate, as she is smaller than Tom and it is much easier for me to exercise my jaw grip on her arms. Also, her size makes it easy for me to leap onto her shoulders unexpectedly or climb up her clothes .

It's fortunate that she is so susceptible to my cuteness- it doesn't take much effort at all for me to make her forget that she was angry with me by looking up at her with my wide-eyed kitten stare. Except for when I broke her necklace. She stayed mostly mad about that.

So I am currently feeling under-exercised and anxious for Tom to come home. Tiffany informs me that he will be home tonight. Excellent. I shall have to discipline him for deserting his duties, but not too harshly, as I will wish to chew on him later.

Attach of the Really Cute Clones

Genetic Savings & Clone, you shall have an honored place in the Guinness Empire!

To think, all the time I have spent wondering how to recruit an army with which to seize control of the world. Instead, I can just clone myself! An army of black and white kittens, all with identical powers of mind-control cuteness! I shall be unstoppable!

Staff! Get me my test tubes!

Drat!

Curses! Tom's sister has discovered the secret manual! She must be destroyed!

Do you think Tom would mind if I put out a contract on his sister?

And how many times have I told Sasha to lay off the sauce?

she gives me fever

Tiffany took me to the vet again yesterday. I am a perfectly healthy kitten- I see no need for me to keep getting these "booster shot" things. Apparently that's what it's called when they stick a big needle between my shoulder blades.

Being the stupendous badass that I am, I purred pleasantly throughout the entire harrowing procedure. The vaccination, however, left me feeling less-than-healthy and by the time we finally got home, I wanted nothing more than a warm lap to sleep in all evening.

Fortunately, since I am a kitten with not one but TWO staff, this was not difficult to arrange. I am particularly fond of manipulating Tiffany's natural maternal instincts with my cuteness. She let me sleep in her lap almost the whole evening, except for when I permitted her to run some errands and get dinner. Can't have a grumbling human tummy next to my sensitive ears while I am sleeping, after all.

This morning, you will be happy to know that I am feeling like myself again and diligently clawed Tom's feet to ribbons upon waking.

Uppity staff

Why is it that my staff insists on taking me to places where there are dogs? This is really becoming quite a discipline problem.

First, Tiffany declared Take Your Kitten To Work Day and I was packed into what can only be called a cage and taken to the office. To her credit, she remembered to bring the litter box and my food dish, but there was a large dog present as well. Really. You'd think she would have remembered after the last episode that I DO NOT LIKE DOGS. I hissed my disapproval at him and he slunk away with his owner.

I spent the day practicing my climbing skills between the wall of her cubicle and the wall, as well as sharpening my balance by trotting back and forth along the top edge of the cubicle. As my more astute subjects readers will no doubt have guessed, I also exercised my mind-control cuteness and made the entire staff of 15 into my personal staff for the day.

Tiffany has informed me that two of her coworkers who live together have been adopted by a kitten recently. My army grows!

A few days later, I was taken to the office again, but this time there was a second dog and an extra human! This was beyond ridiculous. When the workday finished, we had to wait around something called a "Metro stop" for far too long until Tom arrived. And then I was crowded back into my cage for yet another trip to Pittsburgh.

I would have flogged Tiffany and Tom the moment I was let out of the cage, but fortunately for them, the hellhounds weren't there this time. After I had confirmed this to my own satisfaction, I immediately re-assumed control of Tiffany's parents and younger brother and once again had 5 staff to cater to my every need. This was fortunate, because Tom and Tiffany decided to play hooky from their kitten-staff duties and weren't around much. Tiffany's mother provided me with a particularly fascinating bit of metallic ribbon to play with and I found it quite diverting.

Shortly thereafter, Tom's parents came to visit my house and pay homage to the glory that is moi. However, they insisted on calling me their "grandcat." I understand from Tom, however, that they too were adopted by a kitten shortly after basking in my presence. My army grows larger!

And then this afternoon, after Tom had left the house to go play something called "disc golf" with a friend of his on whom I am particularly fond, Tiffany once again put me into my carrier, without so much as the courtesy of warning me by packing up my dish! The treachery!

This time it was a short trip, and she took me out of the cage (which she's taken to calling an "adventure box" in a blatant ripoff of some other cat's staff) before we got out of the car. We were in a large open space, cars all around, driving right past us. I was NOT amused. And then we went into a cavernous building, and I smelled... DOGS! Again! There were dogs everywhere! And the barbarians who owned the building had cats and kittens in a cage right in the center of the building while the dogs roamed free and taunted them! Disgusting. When I rule the world, that building will be among the first razed to the ground.

On the other hand, they did have an assortment of cat toys and litter. Tiffany procured my favorite of each before we left, which pleased me. It must have been to atone for what happened next.

Tiffany took me to her house, where the greatest indignity yet occured: Tiffany bought me a collar. A bright red collar that's too long for me. I spent the next hour vainly writhing around on the floor trying to remove it, but alas, I was thwarted. But it gets worse. She then attached a small, shiny disc to it that jingles and has writing on it. She said that it's so that people will know I belong to someone. Please. If that silly girl knew anything she would know that people belong to cats, not the other way around.

And then, the worst of it all, she bought a leash. Does she think I am a dog? I will not be led around on a rope like some drooling, stupid canine. When she tried to take me out of her apartment on it, I simply refused to go. Eventually, she acquiesced and carried me in the style to which I am accustomed, because I am a kitten of leisure, when I am not plotting to take over the planet.

Oppression

The day is coming when felines the world over will no longer be objects of their staff's amusement and ridicule.

Patience, my feline bretheren! Vive le kitteh!

No rest for the cute

Unbelievable.

You'd think a kitten could get some peace, some wet food, and some playtime on a long weekend, but you'd be wrong.

The horror started on Saturday morning when I noticed Tiffany packing up my food dish. That's never a good sign. I was then placed, against my will, into the carrier, which was then put in the car. Tiffany was picking up Tom for a trip to a place called "Pittsburgh," and to my horror I discovered that they expected me to accompany them. I was locked in the carrier by then, so there wasn't much I could do about it except claw at Tom on the occasions when he took me out.

Fortunately, the monotony of the four hour drive allowed me plenty of time to plot their destruction between naps. It seems that I am a very creative kitten, heh heh.

I was overjoyed once we finally arrived... until I heard the barking. Tiffany's parents were caring for some hellhounds dogs for the week and we happened to arrive the same day we did. Loathsome creatures, dogs are. Big, stupid, uncouth, and lacking in any social grace- I continuously had to hiss my disapproval at them, and yet they still failed to get the hint. Tiffany's parents were quite entertaining, however. My mind-control cuteness worked on them almost as instantly as it had on Tom and Tiffany, so for the weekend I had four staff instead of two. Fortunately, I employ intelligent staff and remained quite comfortable for most of our time there in a den in the basement which was off limits to the dogs. I successfully manipulated Tiffany into buying me some new toys to play with there, so I was quite content.

Until, of course, it was time to leave. That meant another 4 hours in the carrier, plotting their destruction (which wasn't nearly as distracting as it had been on the way there).

Shortly after we crossed the border into Maryland, I felt nature's call. Wanting to get home as quickly as possible, I ignored it as long as I could, but before long had to insist that we pull over. At first, my staff placed me in the grass. Clearly this is unacceptable- I had specifically requested a litterbox with my favorite Arm & Hammer Super Scoop Crystals with Fresh Scent. I'm not some kind of animal, like the dogs that relieve themselves in the grass, after all. After I made my demands clear, the staff prepared a litterbox for me and placed it next to the car. Again, the incompetence. Did they not understand that a small kitten such as myself could easily be injured outside the car at a rest stop? It's so hard to find good help these days. I took matters into my own hands and hid under Tiffany's car.

This caused no end of consternation among the staff, as I refused to come out from under the car. At one point, feeling particularly saucy, I climbed up into the wheelwell and peered out through the openings in the hubcap. Tiffany literally fell on the ground and couldn't stop laughing, the ditzy girl. Before long, however, other patrons of the rest area came over to help them extract me, but I was having none of it.

At last, a gentleman walked over from the other side of the parking lot, stood at the front of the car, and attempted to speak to me in my native language. His accent was comical, and his idiom was bad, but I found it so charming that I walked over and invited him to pick me up so that he could hear me purr. The staff was most relieved and soon we were on our way again.

A harrowing weekend, most harrowing. But on Monday, I was able to recuperate by sleeping on Tiffany's lap and playing with reckless abandon, so it was not a total loss. I will postpone their destruction... for now.

Bad TV

Tiffany was only home for about an hour and a half tonight before she felt the need to go out again. Something about "laundry" and having clean underwear. Overrated, in my opinion. I go naked all the time and have no such problems.

Since it was later in the evening, she left some lights and the TV on for me. I suppose she thought she was being considerate.

I met her at the door when she came home, an unusually eager gesture for someone as distinguished and aloof as myself. But I had to inform her right away:

"Oh sure, it was Law & Order when you left, but for the last half hour it's been some wretched Steven Seagal movie!"

I mean, I'm only 6 weeks old, but I know bad cinema when I see it. And this is wretched cinema.

The worst part is that since I haven't opposable thumbs, I can't operate the remote control.

Cute. Furry. Evil.

This morning, in order to exact my revenge on Tiffany for spending a week thinking I am female, I waited until she went to the bathroom to wash her face and...

Peed all over her down comforter! Muahahaha!

I left rather a large wet spot, too. Indeed, I am the best at all I do. She was angry, of course, but to further exercise my kitten mind-control powers, I turned on the cute full-blast.

She was sitting on the couch, waiting for someone to come fix something called "DSL" (It seems to have something to do with these pretty little lights that were blinking. They don't blink now. Drat!), and decided she wanted a little nap before work since I had kept her up all night wanting to play (heh, heh). I climbed up on her chest, nuzzled right up against her chin as if to say, "I'm sorry for peeing on your bed, Mommy," and purred her to sleep.

She was powerless to resist me. Or the subliminal messages encoded in the rhythym of my purring. They said, "Feed me the rest of the can of wet food."

So while the Verizon man was playing with wires coming out of the wall, she got up and fed me canned food. Score one more for the Kitteh!

Someday, you will all bow before the altar of my adorableness. Meow!

My Debut

My staff felt that I should have a blog to increase my web presence and further the pursuit of my goal of world dominance through sheer and utter cuteness.

Yesterday I was taken against my wishes to Maryland and exposed to the veterinarian. I am *such* a babe magnet. Those girls were all over me. It was fantastic. Right up to the point where they held me down and stabbed me with a needle. That part really left something to be desired. I turned up my cute extra high and they eventually gave in to my will, but not before sticking something cold up my butt.

Dude. How many times do I have to tell you. If it's gonna be anywhere inside me, it should not be cold. Thank you very much.

And Miss Tiffany? Male. Not Female. You shall be appropriately punished later.

Anyhow, I had my portrait taken on one of those funny phone things. Here's my glorious visage:

You May Worship Me At Will