Downcycling
I used a term in a tweet tonight that I realize is internal personal slang. Putting it out there in the public space means you have to decide whether or not to define the term you used, or whether to pull a Willy Wonka and gloss over the Snozzberries. I've decided to do the former for now.
I have, since I was in high-school, been battling depression. College was particularly tough, but I had a good friend Jeff that was very good about helping me through it (why is it that I know so many cool people named Jeff and Mike?) and to begin to understand how it works and how I work. I got to be pretty good at a process we called "taking my mental temperature" whereby I kinda figured out where I was, and what I was really feeling.
It was a long, slow process, but I could tell when I began to downcycle. Downcycling is getting bummed, but in that way only Henrik Ibsen plays can manage. It's 3-4 days of just not finding enjoyment in things. Things like a good meal become bland, sex becomes uninteresting, even music seems more dull. It's like the lustre comes off the world for a few days, and you just scrape by. Coffee is required to avoid being rude to people, and tempers flare like those lovely arcing solar sprays of radiation and superheated helium.
These are generally days where I decide some quality time with inanimate objects is a good thing. When I eschew public situations for my couch and a beer. Now, I'm sure someone out there is ready to pump me full of drugs, or tell me I'm bi-polar or something. Save it. Bi-polar disorder is a serious problem, not just a short period of feeling generally crappy, it's a depths-of-despair/high-as-a-kite thing. I don't have that. This is something different.
So yeah, from time to time, I downcycle. It's who I am. I'd love to know what it really is, or how to break free, but until then, I'll be suffering along through them. Please bear with me.
Comments:
I've never used the same term of course, but a similar thing happens to me. It was quite bad for me in college. Not only did it occur, but I really wasn't congniscent of it when it was happening. Made the college years quite bad.
Now, I at least know it's occuring. I start sleeping too much, get short with people, my tastes in music shift, sometimes dramatically. I generally just spend a few days far more annoyed with things than I should be. Little things that I would have shrugged off start to really annoy me. And, similar to what happens to you, I seem to enjoy stuff less.
Fortunately, as I get older (I'm 23), they seem to be fewer and farther between. I guess that gives something to look forward too :)
Just remember, your not alone.
Posted by Adam Jacob Muller on September 19, 2007 — 1:09 AM
That's a good term for it. I know a lot of people who go through this as well. Some more strongly based on the seasons, etc etc etc. I have more trouble with the seasons now that I'm not in Colorado, but it's not horrible.
Anyway, thanks for the word.
Posted by Jasra on September 19, 2007 — 5:31 PM